as the bathroom is usually next to the car stereo installation garage, shouting “Vrooom vrooom!” Loudly is not only encouraged, but expected.
locking the stall door is imperative. However not always possible. If the lock is inoperable shut the stall door with excess toilet paper and make groaning noises to ward off intruders.
if you find that you have to go while shopping and you’ve got merchandise, they’ll tell you that can’t bring into the bathroom with you. That’s for sanitary reasons, as long as you wash the merchandise in the sink before you leave the bathroom you’re fine.
if the bathroom isn’t clean, you should pull the cleaning schedule sheet off the door and walk up to every employee you can find, hold it up to them and yell, “SHAME” into their face. This is your duty. No pun intended.
having trouble going? Order three shots of espresso. Drink them. Wait.
If Starbucks is your favorite coffee shop, you’re wrong. However, you’ll probably need to get the key from the barista first. I recommend talking to Jane. Jane, likes you best.
Do you have a crush on the barista and don’t want them to know that you’re going to poop in their bathroom? Get over it, everybody poops. Also, the barista doesn’t care.
If you do poop at your favorite coffee shop, you can’t go back.
that water that’s on the floor? That’s for everyone to enjoy, don’t be stingy.
always choose the stall closest to the exit. Just like the Boy Scouts, you should “Be Prepared” too.
if there’s a line for the stalls strike up a conversation with anyone wearing headphones. Wearing headphones in the bathroom is the international signal that you want to talk to strangers about inane and superficial topics while trying to hold “it” in.
if you can find a bathroom that’s “closed for cleaning”, you’ve just hit the jackpot. They won’t tell you this but, “closed for cleaning” really means, this is the special bathroom we keep for only those “in the know”. Go in. Do your business. It’s ok.
is there a TSA agent guarding the door to your bathroom? Alert! That’s not a bathroom. Contact your lawyer.
urinals are not for pooping. There just isn’t enough privacy.
IT IS your room, so just be naked. Naked pooping is the best.
before sitting down locate the toilet paper. The housekeepers hide it. It's a game they like to play with you.
while doing your business, during daytime hours, it is customary, to scream loudly, "I'm Poopin' In here!" every 30 seconds. So that the Housekeeping Staff doesn't inadvertently walk in on you to clean your room.
most hotel rooms a have a full length mirror directly opposite the bathroom, so that when you are sitting on the toilet with the door open you can look directly back into your own eyes and contemplate the emptiness and darkness that is your lonely existence. Remember to leave the door open, cause it's your hotel room, no one else cares.
complain loudly that it’s “not hard to flush after you go...” to absolutely no one.
hum your favorite Beastie Boys track (I like Intergalactic) while going. It helps with the nerves.
cover the seat with as much toilet paper as possible before sitting. As you sit, allow the change in air pressure to move the toilet paper, thereby canceling all of your work as you just sit down on a bare seat.
are there other people in the restroom with you? You have two options. Wait for them to leave (not preferred). Strike up an intensely personal conversation with them making them feel uncomfortable staying (preferred).
are the lights on one of those motion sensor timer thingys? You found out because you were in there too long. Eat more fiber.
if the lights do go out, slam the stall door open with your foot so that it will bounce back and you can catch it. You’ll have one shot at this.
remember to put your shoes back on before you leave.
Always use the lavatory in first class. Even if you aren’t sitting in 1st class. Especially, if you aren’t.
place your feet on the door once you sit down. Added security and a plus to the alignment of your bowels.
Are you a shy pooper? Tell the Flight Attendant, they’ll sing softly outside to soothe your nerves.
Not so timid? Scream at your loudest volume, “I’m poopin’ in here” with a New Yorker accent. Everyone appreciates honesty.
When leaving the lavatory and there’s someone waiting when you open the door? Make complete and meaningful eye contact. Tell them, “it was like that before you used it.”
