Tips for Pooping in the Bathroom at the Neighborhood Dive Bar

• Remember the buddy system. Take a friend. Use the same stall. You can hold each other’s shoes. Plus, you can’t discount the value of meaningful eye-contact.

• Sometimes the water isn’t as clean as you may need it to be, so bring hand sanitizer, and make sure to use it correctly. ON YOUR HANDS.

• It is completely fine to bring your own curtains just in case the “stalls” don’t actually exist.

• Place your drink on the toilet paper dispenser for easy access and for a more polite sensibility. You’ll thank yourself for the forethought.

• Even though it’s called a “dive bar” you will not need any special diving equipment. You can leave the snorkel at home, unless you’re feeling frisky.

• Hey man, “no smoking” applies to the bathroom too. Except for looks, stud. Use your time wisely, you can multi-task, run a comb through your hair.

• Darlene at the bar didn’t really mean it when she said she’d show you a good time “in there”. She’s all talk.

• When you hear the bell ring at the bar, it’s time to wrap things up. Tony’s gonna need the bathroom and you’re not going to want to be in there while he’s doing what he does. I mean when he starts to cry it just gets to be too much.

• Remember to put your shoes back on.

Tips For Pooping in the Bathroom at a Truck Stop

• You’ll need a CB handle before you enter, so make sure you think of one that you like and can live with for the rest of your life, because you can’t change it. Don’t make the same mistake I did in 1997, and go with something like Tweetybird. I mean I’m way more a Taz guy now.

• Truck stops are weird retail paradises where you can find electronics that don’t exist in the real world anymore, like portable DVD players. Which means you can have a nice screening of the Left Behind movies in the third stall from the door.

• Kirk Cameron’s voice is at its most reverberant when projected from a late model Sylvania 7 inch portable DVD player, held between your legs at about 18 inches from the floor and tilted slightly toward the toilet. It’s the way it was meant to heard.

• The Left Behind magazine that you find in some truck stops, has NOTHING to do with the Bible. However, it does make for interesting “reading” while in the bathroom.

• All truckers adhere to a strict set of laws regarding the use of the bathroom. If you are found to violate those laws, you will be reported to the Trucker King. The Trucker King has the authority to grant or deny your entry to special rest stops on the highway called “Weigh Stations”.  These “Weigh Stations” are disguised to the normal passerby, but contain a paradise within. One can only hope that you will one day be granted access to the “Weigh Station” by the “Trucker King”. All Hail.

• Do not eat the roller foods that you find at the truck stop while pooping at the truck stop, this is considered rude and the real truckers will report you to the Trucker King. If you need to eat while pooping, the proper food is a chili dog.

• Remember to put your shoes back on. 

Tips for pooping in the bathroom while hosting a comedy show

• Be sure you let performers know you’re going to poop. The last you want is for them to think you don’t care about them and that’s why you aren’t watching their sets. It’s because you have to poop. Simple as that.
• A wireless microphone can be your best friend. If you think you might not be able to make it back to the stage in time to bring up the next comic, just do it from the bathroom. Be a professional.
• Make sure you’re only going in there to poop. No smoking or other extra curricular activities this time. You have a job to do.
• If there’s a line, you have the right skip ahead of everyone else, but you’ll have to announce it from the stage. It’s only fair.
• Put your shoes back on

Tips for pooping in the bathroom at the courthouse

• Contrary to their location,the traffic court bathrooms are actually see the least amount of traffic throughout the day, because those courtrooms are so busy. So, use this knowledge wisely.
• Taking your attorney with you while you go is perfectly fine. Look if that guy is gonna bill you for the time anyway, get to most of it. Plus anything you share with him or her during your “session” is protected by “Attorney-Client” privilege.
• The bathroom in the Judge’s chambers is off-limits to all but the most persistent bathroom seekers. However, if you are caught in there you may suffer a “contempt of commode” charge that will be hard to live down.
• Talking to others while pooping is usually just fine, but you don’t know why anyone else is at the courthouse today. They may be having a really bad day, sometimes people just need a hug.
• If the bathrooms are not in a condition that is conducive to proper pooping, step into the hallway and yell “I object” until someone comes out and says “Sustained” and cleans it.
• If a person is on the phone in bathroom, tap them on the shoulder and ask them for a “side bar”. Then take their phone away from them.
• Put your shoes back only on.

​Tips for pooping in the bathroom at the dentist’s office

• You may think that you have to go before you get there. But you’d be mistaken. Pooping is a natural sedative for anxiety and you are encouraged to poop right before any type of dental procedure.
• Understand that Novocain is a local anesthetic and just because you can’t feel your mouth, everyone knows you still have control over the rest of your body, so stop that. 
• It is completely normal to ask to use the private bathroom in your dentist’s office. Just know that you’ll be responsible for the the out-of-network charges associated with any charges you are billed.
• You only get so many chances to poop when you are under the influence of “laughing gas”. Use them wisely. And apologize later.
• If you get bored when you poop, remember that there are always six issues of Highlights from 1983 in every dentist’s office across the entire world. This is required by every licensing body responsible for oral hygiene. The one from March is best one and if you find the seventh hidden item on the back cover please contact us here, cause, dude.
• Remember to put your shoes back on. 

​Tips for pooping in the bathroom at the movie theater

• Before leaving your seat, loudly tell the people around you that you’ll be going to poop and you’ll need a synopsis of what happened while you are gone. Other’s are much more attentive when they know that they need to pay attention
• Some movie theaters have a special bathroom in back wall that you can keep a door open to continue watching the movie. It’s just like the way your dad set up the tv when you were a kid. It feels like home. Ask an usher if the theater you are in has one.
• If the concession stand line is really short on your way to the bathroom, go ahead and grab your popcorn. Not only will you save time getting back to your seat, but popcorn is a natural laxative
• On a date? Go quickly, your date doesn’t need to be responsible for all of your bags.
• While it’s never ok to use your phone in the theater, it is totally cool to use it while pooping at the theater. Live stream your experience. Your followers deserve to hear your thoughts on the movie you’re seeing in real-time.
• Study the movie schedule before you go. You’ll want to pick the bathroom nearest to your screen but doesn’t have a movie letting out anytime soon. It’s a complicated algorithm.
• Always use the bathroom nearest the Julia Roberts film. Great actress, but studies have shown that her fans are the most constipated, so that bathroom should be the cleanest.
• Remember to put your shoes back on.

Tips for pooping in your parent’s bathroom

• Remember that you can never really go home, except to poop. You can always poop there.
• Your mom is always trying new air fresheners, this is the perfect time to see what happens when you mix “Ocean Breaze” with “Tropical Dreams”. Hint, it’s a kind of heaven.
• Also, the ability to find out what medications your parents take, for future chances to “lord it over them”, is priceless.
• Remove the answer key pages from the crossword and sudoku books your dad leaves in there. Replace them with heartfelt notes about all the times you and he had a catch. These are the moments you can never get back. Also, he’ll never know what 35 across was.
• Take your bag in there with you. It’s time to “go shopping”. Need extra toilet paper? Toothpaste? Old spice cologne? Now’s your chance. Just don’t be greedy.
• You know that new pet of theirs that they seem to love more than you now? Take it into the bathroom with you. Make it watch. It’s time that little bugger got what’s coming to him, right Scruffy, RIGHT?
• Are you over there when no one else is home? Use the bathroom in their bedroom. You never got to use that one. Find out what all the fuss is about.
• Use the guest towels. You don’t live there anymore, so technically you are a guest. Just remember which one everyone always used anyway and never said anything about, cause that one is disgusting.
• If your dad didn’t already say it, remember to yell, “TURN ON THE FAN IN THERE, WHOOOOO!” It’s tradition.
• Remember to put your shoes back on

Tips for pooping in the Teacher’s Lounge bathroom (Teacher’s edition)

• Mr. Toombs the physical science teacher, has just gotten the news that his wife is cheating on him. So you’ll have to get in there before his free period, cause he’s gonna need to “use the room” and we all understand.
• You may think if you’ve never used that bathroom before, that it’s a bit more private than the other bathrooms in the school. You’re wrong. Debbie, the attendance secretary has been monitoring its use and reporting how many times a day everyone “goes” to Principal Hughes. I suggest using the bathroom near the kindergarten. Honestly those kids don’t know how good they have it.
• If you think that you have to wait until your free period to use the bathroom, you are mistaken my friend. That’s not good time management, no matter what the principal says. He/she is not the boss...of your bowels.
• The one nice thing about the Teacher’s Lounge bathroom is that there’s always candy. No one know who buys it. But you should always leave a quarter for every piece you take. That’s just polite. I recommend staying away from the “Bit-o-honey”s.
• Are you behind on all of that state required paperwork? Take your laptop into the bathroom with you. As you submit everything you’ll need to note that you did it from the Teacher’s Lounge bathroom. The state Dept. of Education tracks that sort of data. They use it to change how the forms are presented so as to make it easier to do while pooping.
• Put your shoes back on

Tips for pooping in the bathroom at Hattie B’s Nashville Hot Chicken, Memphis location

• First, I’m not here to judge you, eat there if you want. But remember that Memphis has Gus’s. And Pirtle’s. And Uncle Lou’s. So, just decide if that’s the decision you want to live with.
• Be tidy, the staff isn’t to blame for the fact that Nashville is always trying to foist their “too cleaned up” and “just a little better than you” establishments on us. The staff is just making a living. So don’t make it harder for them to do their jobs. Just a little smellier.
• You’re gonna need to bring your own graffiti implements as the management doesn’t seem to think that we should be writing, “s’ok but Gus’s better” or “Pirtle’s livers 4eva” or literally anything one might find on the wall in the women’s room at the P&H Cafe. 
• If you decide to eat the Hot Chicken you’ll want to wait or come back to use the bathroom at Hattie B’s. It’s only fair, if they do that to you, you should do it in their bathroom.
• The bathrooms are labeled with pictures of a “chick” marked with a “W” and a “cock” marked with a  “M”. No one understands which bathroom is for which gender, so just use either. I mean to paraphrase the great poet Gertrude Stein, “a toilet is a toilet is a toilet is a toilet”
• When doing your business at Hattie B’s it is customary to give the food a loud review explaining every aspect of its flavor, mouth-feel, and presentation. Only add a review of the service if it was good. Those folks work for almost nothing. Just remember, the dining room is loud so you’ll have to compensate.
• They didn’t build a stage for music, which we find strange, the place comes from the “Music City”, right? Well, since Nashville is so fond of their Honky Tonks, just set up in one of the stalls. They can’t kick you out, if you’re pooping.
• Put your shoes back on.

Tips for pooping in the bathroom during your birthday party

• It’s your party, so you can cry if you want to, but do it in the back bathroom, you’re bringing everybody down.
• There are three proper times to use the bathroom while at tour birthday party: before, after, and during. Look, good GI health is more important than embarrassment. Unless, Johnny came to the party, he can’t know that you poop. Ever. Even when you two are married. You’ll have to wait until he leaves the house for the day and clean afterward. Oh Johnny, he can never know.
• How many people did you invite? How many bathrooms do you have available? You may have to assign bathrooms to individual guests. I recommend a color coding system and charts.
• Your mom worked real hard on that R2-D2 cake so if you have to “go” while the cake is being served, take some with you. As a sign of respect.
• Did you invite Becky? You know she talks about you behind your back, right? Well, the bathroom is the perfect place to contemplate the perfect comeback to one of her jibes. Use your time while pooping multitasking and come back to the party ready for her worst.
• Put your shoes back on

Tips for pooping in the bathroom at Lowe’s Hardware store

• The bathrooms are right in front of the self-checkout. If the bathroom isn’t up to the exacting standards that we’ve all come to expect from Lowe’s, just let the self-checkout cashier know so that you can take them away from their station. They don’t want to be there anyway, so you’re actually doing them a favor.
• It’s completely ok to take gardening merchandise in there with you. Some people think that it’s the plumbing merchandise that is ok, but hey, stop making assumptions.
• We all get bored while “making”. Count how many times you can hear an employee take a break in the bathroom. I guarantee it’ll be more than 5.
• Log in to the free store WiFi fill out an employment application. When you are finished in the bathroom, make sure to follow up with the store manager, Todd. Todd really likes people that take initiative.
• Also feel free to share your thoughts on improving the comfort of the facilities with Todd while you have him. He takes these issues seriously. However, if you get the Assistant Store manager, Shelly, just tell her that everything was fine. She’s had a rough couple of weeks. (Todd’s not that good at his job and she basically does both jobs)
• Put your shoes back on.

Tips for pooping in the bathroom at Outback Steakhouse

• Go quickly, those little loaves of brown bread get cold real fast.
• “Shelias” are females. “Blokes” are males. Outback Steakhouse is not up on the non-binary slang terms used in pseudo-Australian culture. Also, just use whatever bathroom you want. If anyone tries to say something, just stare them down and say, “that’s not a knife, this is a knife”. But, DO NOT HAVE A KNIFE. That’s crazy.
• If you have trouble going while someone else is in the bathroom, just start quoting your favorite Yahoo Serious movie. Personally I like the scene in Young Einstein where he splits a beer atom. Just thinking about it puts me at ease.
• The wait staff has to the sing their version of happy birthday to you if they are asked by someone in your party. But if you’re in the bathroom they can’t all fit inside. Therefore, as long as you are “pooping”, you can’t be sung at.
• There are seven Outback Steakhouses in the state Iowa. If you poop in all of them and send your stamped “poopport” (think passport) to the Outback corporate HQ, they will send a certificate of achievement and a gift card for $30 to Red Lobster.
• There is a special bathroom in the break room of every Outback Steakhouse. It’s only for the employee of the month. It has a gilded toilet seat and a personal DVD player. As a customer “in the know” you can ask to use this bathroom. Of course, only if Rob, the employee of the month, isn’t currently using it.
• The Outback Steakhouse strives to give you an authentic “Outback” experience every time you go. So just like Australia everything in their bathrooms can kill you.
• Put your shoes back on.

Tips for pooping in your own bathroom while watching your children

• This may be obvious, but, leave the door open. This is more to establish dominance than to keep an eye on them. Being able to watch them is a plus.  
• I’ve recommended taking your pants off when “going” in past tips. It is never more important than in this case. Imagine having to jump into action when one of your little babies needs help with your jeans and underpants around your ankles. You’ll run faster than you waddle.  
• Do you have a dog? Dogs are excellent babysitters. Even the dumb ones. Leave them with the dog, they’ll be fine. Poop in peace.  
• Dont have a dog? It’s time to learn the art of poop sprinting. This ancient art involves using two separate bathrooms in your home. You start pooping in one. Then quickly run to the other while checking on the kids. Repeat, until you’re done.  
• Do you have small children? Bring them into bathroom with you. I recommend setting up a crafting area in the tub. And hey they’re probably dirty. Just turn on the water.   
• Put your shoes back on.  

Tips for pooping in the bathroom at the office (part three)

• If you wear your headphones no one can tell you are crying.  
• Aspiring drummers should use the stall walls for practice. The bathroom on the third floor has the best acoustics and the reverb in there is sweet! 
• It is my recommendation to take off your pants/bottoms and underwear   People can see those under the stall walls and can identify you later. No need to let them know who was crying. 
• Do you have a big presentation coming up soon? This is a good opportunity practice. Start with a joke. I recommend something from the volume one of Truly Tasteless Jokes. Man, those jokes are in-ap-pro-pri-ate. 
• Put your shoes back on  

Tips for pooping in the bathroom next to “It’s A Small World” at Disneyland

• stop cursing. See those smaller people around? Those are children. 
• Disney will not tell you that you can access the bathroom from the ride itself. When you see the kids from Spain, look for a door on the right. That’s not the bathroom. It’s the one on the left. You have one chance.  
• The hidden bathroom is pretty good. But you’ll need to bring your own toilet paper if you like double ply, they only provide the cheap stuff. 
• Bring earplugs. That song is a terrible ear worm.  
• The lines can get long. So I recommend applying for a “Fast-Pass”.  
• Put your shoes back on.  

Tips for pooping in the armed forces recruitment center bathroom:

• they’re watching. 
• Flush twice. Make it three times. Don’t leave them anything to work with. 
• They will tell you the bathroom is only for employees. This is a trick to get you to quickly agree to enlist. I recommend going before getting there so you can make your decision with a clear mind. Kind of like not going grocery shopping when you are hungry. 
• Depending on the branch of service you are considering, there are different techniques you’ll need to follow. Go to the library and get the free literature there that will explain how and when pooping is expected in the Armed Forces. Can’t find it? Talk to the librarian, that’s what they’re there for. 
• Looking to become a part of the Special Forces? You’ll need to learn the art of stealth pooping. I’d tell you about it here, but it’s classified, so I’d have to... I don’t need to finish that do I?
• Most importantly, put your shoes back on.

Tips for pooping in the bathroom at your date’s place:

• multitasking is important in relationships; brush your teeth at the same time. 
• If you need to mask the sound of “going”, I recommend a more “eco” friendly method, than running the water in the sink. Go through the medicine cabinet, find a few bottles of pills and use them as shakers. Added bonus, you get to see what pills they take. 
• Locate any air fresheners they have BEFORE you start. This is a mistake you’ll only make once. 
• Take off your pants/skirt/bottoms completely. The possibility of accidentally getting them wet is too high. Remember that putting them back on before leaving the bathroom is up to you. 
• Does your date have a pet? It is customary to invite that pet into the bathroom with you to establish a bond. If you don’t do this, and things go well with the date, things will not go so well with the pet. 
• Not enough toilet paper? Take a shower. It’s fine. 
• Put your shoes back on.

Tips for pooping in the bathroom at your date’s place:

• multitasking is important in relationships; brush your teeth at the same time. 
• If you need to mask the sound of “going”, I recommend a more “eco” friendly method, than running the water in the sink. Go through the medicine cabinet, find a few bottles of pills and use them as shakers. Added bonus, you get to see what pills they take. 
• Locate any air fresheners they have BEFORE you start. This is a mistake you’ll only make once. 
• Take off your pants/skirt/bottoms completely. The possibility of accidentally getting them wet is too high. Remember that putting them back on before leaving the bathroom is up to you. 
• Does your date have a pet? It is customary to invite that pet into the bathroom with you to establish a bond. If you don’t do this, and things go well with the date, things will not go so well with the pet. 
• Not enough toilet paper? Take a shower. It’s fine. 
• Put your shoes back on.

Tips for pooping at the office (part 2):

• don’t use break time for your constitutional, that’s not good time management. 
• having trouble finding the perfect bathroom to “go” in? It’s the one in your boss’ office. That’s the best one. 
• do you find that the coffee at the office is causing more frequent trips? There’s no sense in cutting back, just increase your daily intake until you don’t have to go anymore. This is commonly known as the “Office Joe Cleanse”. It’s approved by “bored certified” Doctor Hank. He’s a doctor, trust him. 
• Do you sometimes think that, “maybe I can hold it until I get home?” Well, these aren’t tips for holding it. 
• Long boring meetings are bane of every office worker. Try breaking up the monotony by doing remote meetings from the different bathrooms throughout the building. IT loves the opportunity to test the WiFi and hot laptops on bare thighs is therapeutic. 
• remember to put your shoes back on.

Tips for pooping in the bathroom at the office:

• always take your pants or skirt off and hang it on the door. Wrinkles are for schlubs. 
• on a deadline? Bring your laptop with you. IT made sure that the WiFi reaches the bathroom. 
• go ahead take that business call, but you are required to let everyone on the other end of the call know where you are. Exactly where you are. Like the actual GPS coordinates. 
• doing fine until someone else walks into the bathroom? Clinch! Strain! Wait! Stay there forever. 
• it can get pretty boring in there, but remember that you have Netflix on your phone. So...
• put your shoes back on.